“Who would win between . . .” has through the ages been one of man’s most fundamental questions. Sadly, adult responsibilities like “earning a living” and “having a girlfriend” have conspired to make it impossible for men to devote to this issue the scholarship it so deeply deserves. But now one hero has tapped into our ­need to know who’s the best, the strongest, the caveman with the biggest club. From Jake Kalish, five-star general of the Imaginary Battlefield, emerges Santa vs. Satan, a tome that offers far more than idle speculation, culling expert analysis from martial arts masters, scientists, social theorists, and pop-culture philosophers, providing in-depth detail of the strengths and vulnerabilities of the combatants, and making bold predictions. Warriors are profiled and winners are declared in this seminal list of throwdowns that never were but should have been. Han Solo vs. Indiana Jones Adam vs. Charles Darwin The Virgin vs. The Whore Drunk vs. Stoner Conspiracy Theorists vs. Conspirators Muhammad Ali vs. Bruce Lee The Stork vs. The Grim Reaper Metrosexual vs. Eunuch Michael Corleone vs. Tony Montana Small Man with Breasts vs. Large Balding Woman Artist vs. Critic The Constipated vs. The Incontinent Gandalf vs. Obi-Wan Kenobi Married Gay Couple vs. Divorced Straight Couple