Introducing the consumer version of Aperture Science"s most popular military-grade product, the Aperture Science Home Safety Turret. Please ensure your turret is pointed away from friends and loved ones until it has been calibrated. To calibrate, clearly state the names of any and all friends and loved ones you would not like your turret to engage in crisis resolution. (Remember to state your own name first.) Once you Exclusion List has been processed, your turret will be ready to engage in real-time non-verbal conflict intervention with all organic matter within its optic range. Note: Due to jostling during shipping, your turret may arrive already in Crisis Resolution Mode. Do not attempt to reason with your turret. Seek cover behind a durable, resolution-resistant surface and wait until the turret"s internal battery is drained (approx. 659 years, 11 months, 5 days).